Popping into the staff room I notice that the table is adorned with a bowl of fruit, three boxes of biscuits, a box of chocolates and a bowl of lilies.
I'm told that it's a fertility sacrifice to the Pre-Owned Envelope Fairy.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A long-standing enigma
"How come PC 1's not got Flash installed on it?" asks Norbert.
"It ought to, it's a clone of all the other PCs."
"So why doesn't it?"
"Ah well... The same reason that PC 5 didn't have it installed on it yesterday but has it installed today and that PC 12 didn't have it before lunchtime but has it now. And why it didn't work on any of the PCs in Ref. last week but does today."
"Oh shit, I'd forgotten it gets as silly as that.
We've been promised useful developments pretty soon. The same promises as we had this time last year in the run up to moving Roadkill Library.
Just how many times do people need telling?!?
I'm in a bate. Yet again we've got a new member of staff (another Library Assistant) and yet again nobody lets me know their details so that I can get them set up on the corporate PC network or on any of our library systems or on email or access to the Internet.
The way it usually goes (and has done three times since Xmas) next thing will be a panicky 'phone call from somebody saying: "x is at library y and can't get onto the PC, can you sort it out urgently?" The answer should be "no," but x is invariably the unwitting victim of some fuck-witted personnel management on the part of somebody in the Library Service.
This time, Hetty introduced me to the new girl last week when we passed in the lift lobby.
Nil since. I've taken steps to get the necessary details directly so that I can get things sorted.
Meanwhile I'm fairly sure that two Library Assistants have left the service some time over the past three months but I don't know which two and nobody's telling. I am very far from being happy about the situation.
The way it usually goes (and has done three times since Xmas) next thing will be a panicky 'phone call from somebody saying: "x is at library y and can't get onto the PC, can you sort it out urgently?" The answer should be "no," but x is invariably the unwitting victim of some fuck-witted personnel management on the part of somebody in the Library Service.
This time, Hetty introduced me to the new girl last week when we passed in the lift lobby.
"You will be giving me Alice's details so that I can get her set up on the networks, won't you?"
"Oh yes."
Nil since. I've taken steps to get the necessary details directly so that I can get things sorted.
Meanwhile I'm fairly sure that two Library Assistants have left the service some time over the past three months but I don't know which two and nobody's telling. I am very far from being happy about the situation.
"Think of it from their perspective," says Milton, "what difference does it make to them?"
"Compliance with data protection legislation; data security regulations; catastrophic risk to essential systems; unacceptable risk to the corporate network; disruption to services caused by lack of access to essential systems; and unacceptable exposure to the risk of identity theft of customers' details. Aside from that, nothing at all."
Wireless World
Lovely. The council's investigating the installation of wifi hotspots in key areas of the Borough, including a few of our libraries. This is part of the corporate digital dream aiming to encourage skills-building, mobile working, world peace, small children with fluffy kittens and prizes for everybody.
The people responsible for this project are the same people who have decreed that all staff laptops shall have the wireless function disabled.
The people responsible for this project are the same people who have decreed that all staff laptops shall have the wireless function disabled.
Monday, July 14, 2008
A date stamp and a pompadour
Jim shows me the draft work plan for the 2008/10 phase of the Library Service's Five Year Plan and asks me for comments, so long as they don't include any references to The Glorious People's Reference Librarians' Beetroot Collective.
Reading though it I can't help noticing that although the Group Librarians are responsible for the operational management of all the libraries in the Borough they cop for just three of the fifty-two tasks listed and that two of those begin: "Investigate..."
Quite how Bronwyn cops for being responsible for "the display of stock on shelves in libraries" escapes me.
I get off Scot free: all my work is so utterly insignificant as far as Policy Team is concerned that it doesn't appear in the plan at all.
Reading though it I can't help noticing that although the Group Librarians are responsible for the operational management of all the libraries in the Borough they cop for just three of the fifty-two tasks listed and that two of those begin: "Investigate..."
Quite how Bronwyn cops for being responsible for "the display of stock on shelves in libraries" escapes me.
I get off Scot free: all my work is so utterly insignificant as far as Policy Team is concerned that it doesn't appear in the plan at all.
You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Poor old Frog's run ragged trying to finalise the arrangements for the summer holidays, on top of trying to allocate and get shut of 45 boxes' worth of Booked Up books. Our new Whole Team approach to service provision is a great comfort to him.
"Why are we only having two events in Catty?" asks T.Aldous.
Perhaps because Catty Library's closed and we're wasting money paying for events at Mattressbrook yet again despite the fact the library closed years ago.
It gets even better when the question arises: who's going to be supporting the events and activities in the libraries? I might have thought that given Frog's status as a single human being, he'd have done enough in arranging all the events and making the calendar fit in with whatever else is going on at each library; avoiding people's annual leave dates and has no authority to issue directives as to rotas. And that the business of making sure that a member of staff is available on the day could be left to one or other of the layers of operational management who do have control of the rotas.
Could the Assistant Librarians sort out the necessary? he asks Mary, his line manager. No, she tells him, check with the Group Librarians. Can I leave you to sort out the necessary? he asks the Group Librarians. No, says Julia, you need to check the rotas yourself. Doreen, of course, doesn't respond.
Teamwork at its best.
"Why are we only having two events in Catty?" asks T.Aldous.
Perhaps because Catty Library's closed and we're wasting money paying for events at Mattressbrook yet again despite the fact the library closed years ago.
It gets even better when the question arises: who's going to be supporting the events and activities in the libraries? I might have thought that given Frog's status as a single human being, he'd have done enough in arranging all the events and making the calendar fit in with whatever else is going on at each library; avoiding people's annual leave dates and has no authority to issue directives as to rotas. And that the business of making sure that a member of staff is available on the day could be left to one or other of the layers of operational management who do have control of the rotas.
Could the Assistant Librarians sort out the necessary? he asks Mary, his line manager. No, she tells him, check with the Group Librarians. Can I leave you to sort out the necessary? he asks the Group Librarians. No, says Julia, you need to check the rotas yourself. Doreen, of course, doesn't respond.
Teamwork at its best.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Tired
There are two strike days next week and those of us in the union will be expected to join in. I'm not altogether comfortable with the business of disrupting services by strike action but I'm rather more uncomfortable with the business of disrupting services because we can't or won't recruit people and invent reasons to stop low-paid staff progressing through the pay scales.
No doubt some well-paid MP with an interesting suite of semi-transparent allowances will point out that this is a time to batten the hatches because there's a credit squeeze, the same way as they point out that pay restraint in the public sector is essential for the good times never to end.
Looking round the library I can only think that regardless of the outcome of the action people will be glad of the breather.
No doubt some well-paid MP with an interesting suite of semi-transparent allowances will point out that this is a time to batten the hatches because there's a credit squeeze, the same way as they point out that pay restraint in the public sector is essential for the good times never to end.
Looking round the library I can only think that regardless of the outcome of the action people will be glad of the breather.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Fat clerks could power a town the size of Bognor
After yesterday's gruesome experience Frog and I decide to repair to the pub for lunch. As predicted, the place is full of solicitors talking about their body mass indices. The Law Society must have bought into a Weightwatchers franchise. Unfortunately, we're sat next to a particularly noisy specimen.
"Do you know, I'm five foot eleven and seventeen stone three but according to my BMI I'm clinically obese."
Well, yes matey. I'm taller than you and a stone and a half lighter and I'm fat. No two ways about it.
"And smoking...! Do you know, when you take a drag on a cigarette you breath in three trillion free radicals. Three trillion! Can you imagine that? Three trillion!"
No, of course he can't. Even if it's just an American trillion it would take him a thousand years just to count it, assuming that he doesn't do boring things like sleep or eat or die. A trillion is an idea in the mind of a mathematician. It always puzzled me that anybody had to 'invent' the googol. I can only imagine that they used to run out of ink at the ninety-ninth zero.
In the end Frog has enough of this nonsense. He leans back in his chair, pats his midriff bulge and says, in his best stage whisper:
"I've taken on board Gordon Brown's advice about not wasting food."
"Do you know, I'm five foot eleven and seventeen stone three but according to my BMI I'm clinically obese."
Well, yes matey. I'm taller than you and a stone and a half lighter and I'm fat. No two ways about it.
"And smoking...! Do you know, when you take a drag on a cigarette you breath in three trillion free radicals. Three trillion! Can you imagine that? Three trillion!"
No, of course he can't. Even if it's just an American trillion it would take him a thousand years just to count it, assuming that he doesn't do boring things like sleep or eat or die. A trillion is an idea in the mind of a mathematician. It always puzzled me that anybody had to 'invent' the googol. I can only imagine that they used to run out of ink at the ninety-ninth zero.
In the end Frog has enough of this nonsense. He leans back in his chair, pats his midriff bulge and says, in his best stage whisper:
"I've taken on board Gordon Brown's advice about not wasting food."
So proud
A reader writes:
I'm so proud I could yodel.Dear Mister Musgrove
I have just been in to my local library to have a look at your blog on their computers. Imagine my surprise when I found that our libraries have blocked it because of the 'unsuitable content.'
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Dewey, Hooey and Phooey
Mary had gone up to Lending to find something she wanted to borrow for the weekend. She came back rather a lot non-plussed, having found it, eventually. It had been reclassified and put on the shelves.
Or, more accurately, a different class number was typed onto a spine label and slapped onto the item in question. Anyone trying to find it using the information in the catalogue record would have been fifty-four feet out.
We've only had an electronic catalogue for twenty years. It's not something we're used to yet.
Or, more accurately, a different class number was typed onto a spine label and slapped onto the item in question. Anyone trying to find it using the information in the catalogue record would have been fifty-four feet out.
We've only had an electronic catalogue for twenty years. It's not something we're used to yet.
Gentlemen are asked not to urinate in the aspidistras during the asparagus season
I'm eating my butties in the staff room. At one end of the table there's a discussion about the problems Larry Adler must have had when playing the harmonica, what with being a vampire and that. Another group are surreptitiously eating licorice and hoping that Mary won't get them into yet another conversation about her league table of favourite licorices. Luckily, she's commandeered a conversation about one of the girls' husband's heart condition and steered it inelegantly towards 'What we did with the Beaver Scouts last night.' Two people are staring intently at their Pot Noodles, hoping not to catch Mary's eye and trying not to smirk at the idea of someone scouting for beaver. Another of the girls is rehearsing a conversation she's going to have this evening by pretending her ham sandwich is a mobile 'phone. The blackened banana on the staff room table is in its third glorious week. In the corner are four large carrier bags full of bubble wrap, not all popped. At five past one the clock played 'Dardanella' slowly then died. Every person who has come in has slumped on the chair and said: "Oh God..."
I'd go to the pub but it's full of fat solicitors talking about their Body Mass Indices.
I'd go to the pub but it's full of fat solicitors talking about their Body Mass Indices.
"There's something I haven't told you: I go bell-ringing on Wednesday nights"
Milton's been over to Epiphany to see whether or not the network points he's ordered have been installed. Imagine his embarassment when he set off the burglar alarm.
Imagine his further embrassment when he realised that he could have walked through the hole in the wall without setting off the alarm.
"Even as we speak somebody is pouring concrete in the hole," he tells me.
He always was an optimist.
Imagine his further embrassment when he realised that he could have walked through the hole in the wall without setting off the alarm.
"Even as we speak somebody is pouring concrete in the hole," he tells me.
He always was an optimist.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Backing tracks for root canal work
I bump into Wendy Muffplaster, who's been one of the participants in this afternoon's business planning workshop.
"How'd it go?" I asked recklessly.
"We'd have been better off paying for a couple of Library Assistants."
I'd rather doubt it: they've had most of the staff from Catty Library camped out at Umpty and there's bugger all to show for it. Judging by the drop in the issue figures they're not even borrowing books there.
On reflection, perhaps we would have been. If all the participants had been as positive and open as Wendy I can't imagine much would have been achieved on the exercise.
It's a few years since I last tried to persuade any of the librarians that they need to demonstrate to the outside world that the librarians do things that the Library Assistants don't or can't, otherwise why pay the extra money? I'm not going to be trying again any time soon. After all, we're all grown-ups.
"How'd it go?" I asked recklessly.
"We'd have been better off paying for a couple of Library Assistants."
I'd rather doubt it: they've had most of the staff from Catty Library camped out at Umpty and there's bugger all to show for it. Judging by the drop in the issue figures they're not even borrowing books there.
On reflection, perhaps we would have been. If all the participants had been as positive and open as Wendy I can't imagine much would have been achieved on the exercise.
It's a few years since I last tried to persuade any of the librarians that they need to demonstrate to the outside world that the librarians do things that the Library Assistants don't or can't, otherwise why pay the extra money? I'm not going to be trying again any time soon. After all, we're all grown-ups.
The den of the Great Wardrobe Spider
"By the law of averages," says Frog, "one of these big metal cupboards must lead on to Narnia."
"Wouldn't we incur the wrath of the Pre-Owned Envelope Fairy if we went exploring and disturbed things?"
"Wouldn't we incur the wrath of the Pre-Owned Envelope Fairy if we went exploring and disturbed things?"
Lost
A rep. from a furniture supplier came to visit today to talk about plans for Catty Library. The plan was that he and T.Aldous would go over to Catty to rendezvous with Julia and see about putting the world to rights, given that the electricity and network points are hard-wired into the plaster in the wrong places and most of the floor is intended to be a corridor to a building that doesn't yet exist.
The chap arrives just before half nine, I take the call from upstairs that he's been put into the lift (T.Aldous having put his 'phone through to an empty office again). I tell T.Aldous that the chap is here for the meeting. T.Aldous turns on his heel and disappears into his office. Seth calls me over to say the rep's arrived. I contrive to get the rep and T.Aldous within sight and two arms' lengths. Job done.
Not quite.
T.Aldous tells the rep that they're going to Catty and Mary's accompanying them. The rep goes to get his car, saying he'll meet them up on the car park. T.Aldous disappears. Mary appears, looking for T.Aldous and the rep. She goes upstairs. T.Aldous appears, looking for Mary. We tell him she's gone upstairs to meet the rep. He goes upstairs. Fifteen minutes later we get a call from upstairs to say that the rep's waiting for T.Aldous and Mary and are they still with us. We reply that to the best of our knowledge they're up with them. Seth and Alwyn follow their spoor and find out that instead of going upstairs as T.Aldous arranged they're hanging round the back door. They go upstairs and the last we hear they managed to find their way out of the library and out to the car park.
At twenty to eleven we get a 'phone call from Julia asking if we know where T.Aldous has gotten to as they'd arranged to meet at ten. Julia's worked with him for two decades on and off and should know better.
The chap arrives just before half nine, I take the call from upstairs that he's been put into the lift (T.Aldous having put his 'phone through to an empty office again). I tell T.Aldous that the chap is here for the meeting. T.Aldous turns on his heel and disappears into his office. Seth calls me over to say the rep's arrived. I contrive to get the rep and T.Aldous within sight and two arms' lengths. Job done.
Not quite.
T.Aldous tells the rep that they're going to Catty and Mary's accompanying them. The rep goes to get his car, saying he'll meet them up on the car park. T.Aldous disappears. Mary appears, looking for T.Aldous and the rep. She goes upstairs. T.Aldous appears, looking for Mary. We tell him she's gone upstairs to meet the rep. He goes upstairs. Fifteen minutes later we get a call from upstairs to say that the rep's waiting for T.Aldous and Mary and are they still with us. We reply that to the best of our knowledge they're up with them. Seth and Alwyn follow their spoor and find out that instead of going upstairs as T.Aldous arranged they're hanging round the back door. They go upstairs and the last we hear they managed to find their way out of the library and out to the car park.
At twenty to eleven we get a 'phone call from Julia asking if we know where T.Aldous has gotten to as they'd arranged to meet at ten. Julia's worked with him for two decades on and off and should know better.
One size fits most
I enjoyed this email correspondence:
Frog
The list of summer holiday events doesn't include Umpty.
DG
It does if you scroll down.
Frog
Frog
The list of summer holiday events doesn't include Umpty.
DG
It does if you scroll down.
Frog
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Written in iodine on the tail of his shirt
Warner asks me to arrange for a press release celebrating our performance figures with the online catalogue, which are pretty good so far. Dutifully, I draft some copy and send it to the corporate press wallah for to do any necessary rewrites and branding doodads.
The draft press release doesn't include the word 'library' once.
The draft press release doesn't include the word 'library' once.
Oh God, it's this tagging business!
Lise, at Team Robinson, has tagged me, which leads me to panic a bit because I've never bothered to gen up on the social rules of the blogosphere (self-evident statement, really). Let's see if I can get this right without blowing my anonymity...
What were you doing ten years ago?
The same job, though in a better state of mental health.
I'd just failed to buy a terraced house round the corner and had started the process of buying this palatial mansion in its stead.
Five things on (tomorrow's) to-do list:
1. Remember to keep a medical appointment first thing.
2. Hope to catch a glimpse of the attractive lady on the train into work without creeping the poor woman out in the process.
3. Edit at least two web pages and submit them for approval.
4. Finish writing some notes that I've been promising Milton for a month.
5. See if I can fix the last 920 indexing glitches in part of the title database.
What are three of your bad habits?
1. Biting my nails. It ruins my socks.
2. Talking to lamp-posts.
3. Thinking everybody I'm talking to knows who Henry Kendall was.
What would you do if you were a billionaire?
Feel guilty.
What are some snacks you enjoy?
I'm a fat middle-aged bloke; I've had to give up crisps and peanuts. Leaves me with pistachios, olives, licorice and sesame seed snaps.
What were the last five books you read?
The Dick Tracy Dailies and Sunday Comics Volume 4 - I'm interested in comics history
Showcase Batman Volume 3 - catching the comics I didn't catch when I was back-collecting and probably wouldn't want to afford now
The History of Pugachev by Aleksander Puschkin - a splendidly readable history nicely translated
The Rise of the Indian Rope Trick by Peter Lamont - dry, funny and very well-researched
The Mind of Mr. J.G. Reader by Edgar Wallace - a re-reading of an old favourite; Wallace was the master of the laconic one-liner
What are five jobs you have had?
Museum cataloguer
Welfare benefits adviser
Consumer rights adviser
Librarian for a national charity
Supervising a team of long-term unemployed people (interesting job in the context of my current environment: my success was measured by the proportion of the team who left and got better jobs and/or completed the most parts of a training and career development plan)
Five places that you have lived?
Greater Manchester
Nottinghamshire
Another bit of Greater Manchester
West Midlands
Yet another bit of Greater Manchester
Anyone who wants to be tagged, well, you're tagged.
What were you doing ten years ago?
The same job, though in a better state of mental health.
I'd just failed to buy a terraced house round the corner and had started the process of buying this palatial mansion in its stead.
Five things on (tomorrow's) to-do list:
1. Remember to keep a medical appointment first thing.
2. Hope to catch a glimpse of the attractive lady on the train into work without creeping the poor woman out in the process.
3. Edit at least two web pages and submit them for approval.
4. Finish writing some notes that I've been promising Milton for a month.
5. See if I can fix the last 920 indexing glitches in part of the title database.
What are three of your bad habits?
1. Biting my nails. It ruins my socks.
2. Talking to lamp-posts.
3. Thinking everybody I'm talking to knows who Henry Kendall was.
What would you do if you were a billionaire?
Feel guilty.
What are some snacks you enjoy?
I'm a fat middle-aged bloke; I've had to give up crisps and peanuts. Leaves me with pistachios, olives, licorice and sesame seed snaps.
What were the last five books you read?
The Dick Tracy Dailies and Sunday Comics Volume 4 - I'm interested in comics history
Showcase Batman Volume 3 - catching the comics I didn't catch when I was back-collecting and probably wouldn't want to afford now
The History of Pugachev by Aleksander Puschkin - a splendidly readable history nicely translated
The Rise of the Indian Rope Trick by Peter Lamont - dry, funny and very well-researched
The Mind of Mr. J.G. Reader by Edgar Wallace - a re-reading of an old favourite; Wallace was the master of the laconic one-liner
What are five jobs you have had?
Museum cataloguer
Welfare benefits adviser
Consumer rights adviser
Librarian for a national charity
Supervising a team of long-term unemployed people (interesting job in the context of my current environment: my success was measured by the proportion of the team who left and got better jobs and/or completed the most parts of a training and career development plan)
Five places that you have lived?
Greater Manchester
Nottinghamshire
Another bit of Greater Manchester
West Midlands
Yet another bit of Greater Manchester
Anyone who wants to be tagged, well, you're tagged.
The land without music
T.Aldous surveys the wreckage that is our working environment.
I can only agree.
The flow of the conversation suggests that he's wondering whether or not it's possible to automate the Assistant Librarians. I decide to keep schtum: bringing Policy Team into the later Twentieth Century has been a goal that has defeated and dejected me, I've no great wish to take on the Enid Blyton element mongst the ALs.
"We've got far too much stock in boxes," he tells me.
I can only agree.
The flow of the conversation suggests that he's wondering whether or not it's possible to automate the Assistant Librarians. I decide to keep schtum: bringing Policy Team into the later Twentieth Century has been a goal that has defeated and dejected me, I've no great wish to take on the Enid Blyton element mongst the ALs.
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