You can tell it’s real by the teethmarks

We are a typical cross-section of the population in that we have had quite a few people have have been quite seriously ill and, while we have lost too many recently, a good number have recovered and are in complete remission, touch wood. Though not entirely unscathed.

Sybil's quite ribald about her surgical intervention. This conversation all started when Noreen read out a newspaper article about a woman who'd been on a crash diet and had to have all the spare skin removed. Unfortunately, in the process her navel disappeared.

"They'll have to tattoo her one back on, just like they do nipples," said Sybil.

"What?" we asked, despite ourselves.

"Oh aye. When they do the trimming off they like to leave things a bit tidy, like. You might be a bit lop-sided but they want you to look a bit normal so they tattoo a nipple on there for you. They're really good, they match the colour up and everything."

We didn't ask for proof.

"The only problem is, like I told him, I've lost me ping."

"What?" we chorused again.

"Well, in the cold weather a girl likes to be sure to have a ping about her. I've not got much to begin with so anything that makes a dent in me blouse I'm having!"

"Couldn't you use a midget gem?" asked somebody.

"Aye, you'll be OK with one them."

"Oh aye, I'm full of daft tricks like that."

"Well, they'd be easy enough to stick on. You just lick the bottom of the midget gem and jam in on there."

"If I had a whole packet of them I could have a different flavour every day of the week."

"You'd be OK on a Saturday night, sat watching "Match of the Day" with him. You could lean over, give him a dig in the ribs and a beery leer and say:

'You're in luck tonight, lad, I've got me blackcurrant one on!'"