What kind of spirits insist on communicating through a Morris Minor hubcap?

I'm chatting with a colleague who's having problems with the serried ranks of his council's Human Resources Department.

"I have someone on long term “sick” leave who is healthier than I am but I got told off when I suggested I couldn’t affect the date of her return as she would return when she wanted to and not before and that would be just after the bank holiday when she was due to go on half pay. Our HR “Advisor” uttered a sentence prone to get anyone heading for the roof:

'Why would going down to half pay after six months off be a factor in her coming back to work? Surely she will come back when she is better and not before.”

Astonishing. Our HR department reckons that death and cremation is only a marginally-acceptable excuse for absence.