Placed

Noreen gets a 'phone call.

"The Chief Executive has nominated you to represent your department in the Buy Local Conference next week. I'll need a brief bio from you to include in the conference pack."

"The Chief Executive doesn't know me from Adam. I'm not authorised to buy anything. And the Library Service is a member of an acquisitions consortium and we're required to do our stock purchases from the consortium contract. Aside from that I'm pretty sure I'm not the person you need to be speaking to."

Who's the bastard in the black?

Coming out of Hannigan's Truss Boutique I bumped into Ken Barmy, the systems manager for Pardendale Libraries. Last time we spoke he was being a bit smug because they'd got their act in gear and advertised internally for maternity cover in what we would imagine to be indecent haste, even before the actual birth (in Helminthdale the child will have at least reached tertiary college before the job description was written).

"Have you got a new Town Librarian yet?" I ask.

"It's delayed. We had two internal candidates and they were both interviewed. One's a Town Librarian from elsewhere in the Borough looking for a change of scenery. They've worked for us for twenty years. The other's an Assistant Librarian who's worked for us for thirty years."

"Difficult decision?"

"Who's to say? The appointment's been put back for three weeks pending external references."

Sabbath

"The carpeters may need to come in on Sundays to get some of the work done upstairs," says Doreen.

"They'll have to let themselves in: I'm working 72-hour, six-day weeks and I'm not giving up my Sundays," replies Seth.

Once for charity with Sir Harry Lauder

"Please could you sign these orders?"

asks Noreen, indicating a pile of orders that have built up so far this week, all requiring Mary's signature before they can go in the post. (e-procurement? don't make me laugh: between the auditors, the library managers and the IT section we'd be better off with semaphore)

"I can't, I'm being Frog today,"replies Mary.

In the time taken for the subsequent explanation, the latest about her daughter and her views on different brands of soft licorice she could have signed a month's worth of orders.

Still, what's stock ordering in the scheme of things?

Dreck

Doreen pops her head around the door frame. Makes a change from Mary coming in to measure the acreage of the floor with a view to filling it full of old Bunty Annuals.

"I was talking to Milton this lunchtime and he says you've got a spare PC on one of the desks in your office."

"Jimmy Huddersfield's PC. Yes, I suppose we could put that on the desk where the other PC used to be. His replacement's not even been interviewed yet."

"Is it an old PC?"

"No, it's relatively new. The same vintage as the other one. It would have made more sense to have given that to the Graduate Trainee."

"Then why wasn't it?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just the hired help."

After all, why move one PC and set up one email profile when you can move two, disable a scanner and have to set up six email profiles?

What a moving lot of old codswallop

"When are you moving over here?" asks Jim. "The graduate trainee could do with some company."

"Well, there's not a lot of use my moving over there before the new network point and telephone point have been installed. That would mean my moving over there, moving out of the way and moving back again. Done that once. Not doing it again."

Happydrome

Doreen's unhappy. Join the club. She comes into my office to share her unhappiness with me.

"When are we getting a replacement PC?"

"For the one that's been taken for the Graduate Trainee?"

"Yes. I'm not happy about that being taken. It's very inconvenient."

"I share your pain. As do your Assistant Librarians."

"I suppose I could use the PC in my office upstairs but I can't really work in there."

"I've suggested to Milton that we should buy a replacement. And that it should have the scanner installed onto it."

"Well, how long will that be?"

"Dunno. We do need something for the Assistant Librarians. Especially when Milton spends all day on the PC on their desk and leaves it unattended locked on his password."

"I'm annoyed that I came down and found it had just disappeared."

"Welcome to our world. It is a function of the way we do things hereabouts, which is to say last-minute and shambolic.

Inconvenient. Pshah! Like I had any bloody say on what happened with that bloody PC. While I was putting my gear back in my office Jim and T.Aldous were instructing Seth on the commandeering operation. Bollocks to the lot of 'em.

People set their black puddings by it

Library managers and project management... sigh...

Entirely reasonably, Seth's getting nervous about the forthcoming recarpeting of the lending and reference libraries upstairs. He still hasn't been given a gameplan as to what's happening or when (allegedly all the counters, desks and shelving - including wall-mounted - are being budged to one side for the operation) and there's not many days before it all kicks off. His latest conversation with Doreen doesn't inspire...

"When's the joiner coming over to do the reccy of the shelves on the wall. He was supposed to be doing a walk-through with me weeks ago."

"He can't come until the day before we close."

"What will the cleaners be doing while the library's closed?"

"I hadn't thought of that. They'll just have to take leave."

"I don't think so."

"Can you sort something out?"

"Looks like I'll have to."

The bald-headed end of a broom

There'll need to be some explaining to do at Senebene Library....

A lady customer approached Beryl.

"Can you help me?"

"If I can, yes."

"I'm looking for pictures of genital herpes."

"I see..."

"I need some pictures of genital herpes for my course."

"Male or female?"

"Male."

So Beryl has spent the morning looking at pictures of diseased willies.

The devil has the best legs

I'm not one to moan, you well know, but this is not fair. Frog's come back from Epiphany Library with an unseemly smug look on his face and a bit of a twitch. He's been doing a story session with St. Wulfreda's Nursery. Because it's coming up to "Scary Day" they were all dressed up as ghosties and ghoulies and witches and things.

Except for the voluptuous young nursery assistant who was dressed in an Ann Summers devil outfit cut high at the leg and low at the decolletage.

I didn't even have to hold this back special for the 1,000th post

I'm supposed to be moving my desk today. I'm moving over to where Eddie Gravy's desk has lain vacant since August 2005. I clear my desk, close down the running back-up systems on my PC and close it down. I start to clear the space for Seth to move my desk into. Seth's geared up for a bit of quick lugging about.

You can guess what's going to happen next, can't you?

Well...

Up pipes Jim:

"That's where the new graduate trainee's going to sit. They're starting next Monday."

What graduate trainee? I ask. What graduate trainee? asks Seth. What graduate trainee? asks T.Aldous.

It turns out that we're getting a graduate trainee as part of the corporate performance development strand (slide 47 in the "Bobbing Up And Down Like This" PowerPoint presentation). And they're starting next Monday.

They'll need a desk. And a PC. And a network point. There is but one network point in the vicinity. One will need to be ordered for the new bod's PC. Which will require access to the wall in the area where my desk is to go. So what's the point of my moving there just yet?

There's still the issue of how to fit two desks together in this space. Easiest thing to do would be to move the filing cabinet holding 2005's invoices. Seth suggests putting it into the computer room (we're both slap happy by this stage so I go along with this). Enter Mary:

"Don't do anything yet. I need to think about this."

Quarter of an hour later she comes back to Seth (I've wandered off to put my stuff back and get back where I started the day).

"You could move that filing cabinet into the computer room."

"That's what I said quarter of an hour ago," replies Seth.

The cabinet is moved into the computer room. The new bod's desk is set up. We steal the communal PC from the admin floor and put it on this desk for the new bod to work with. We also have to steal the communal A3 scanner 'cos this is the only PC it's installed on and IT have taken all the installation disks away with them. Besides which, the only other PCs are on small desks and/or are the new set-up that don't allow staff-mediated installations.

So far so annoying...

Mary has decided that when I move she's going to have my office. She has spent the past hour haunting the place, pacing out the space for her desk and tidying up Jimmy Huddersfield's filing cabinets in preparation for her files. She does a lot of Estate Agent noises. I feel like the hospital patient being measured for his box in Casualty.

The BookStart worker comes in for her weekly couple of hours' touching base. To find that her desk has a PC on it.

"Ah, you've got me a PC!" she says to Mary.

"Well, actually, we're taking away your desk," replies Mary.

It's decided - by Mary - that the BookStart worker will have Eddie's desk, moved into Mary's office (i.e. mine at the moment). At first this puzzles us. Then we realise that having the BookStart worker in for a couple of hours a week means that she doesn't have to share an office with Jimmy's successor.

Mary stands in the doorway making "it might work" noises. At length.

It then transpires that Doreen is desperate to move into Mary's office. And has been haunting the place making Estate Agent noises.

In short:

1. On the very day that I start moving my desk the space that has been empty for more than two years is suddenly urgently required by somebody else.
2. We're recruiting staff we don't know about.
3. We're robbing Peter to give Paul a PC.
4. Moving a filing cabinet is a committee decision.
5. I only have squatters' rights on an office I've occupied for fourteen years. Not because of any organisational decision but because a couple of senior managers fancy a change.
6. I am in the fortunate position of being able to completely piss off both Mary and Doreen by doing absolutely nothing.

T.Aldous takes me to one side to apologise for the situation. He is genuinely embarassed.

The evil and vindictive part of me, which isn't buried anywhere too deep these days, thinks that if Mary doesn't pack it in I'll complain that I'm being hounded out of my office.

Language, Timothy

My language is going down the tubes. It was never particularly maidenly in the first place but it is getting much, much worse. I was asked about one of the latest Management Group ideas and gave what I thought was a measured, considered response worthy of The League of Nations.

"Do you realise that that last sentence included seven 'fuckings'?"

We couldn't afford Jack Hawkins

We're looking at the job description and responsibilities for Jimmy Huddersfield's replacement. Except that it isn't. Although this bod will be line-managing the Acquisitions Team we have to go a long way down the page to find any reference to them. This post's primary concerns will be reader development events and book sale. Stock management proper comes six items down after the book sale. Line managing Acq turns out to be one of the secondary responsibilities, just three items down after "providing cover for the enquiry desk."

Noreen determines to ask Mary about this.

"We don't seem to feature in this new person's job description even though they're going to be our line manager and, presumably, will be responsible for our work and our training and development."

"I didn't include you because I wanted to protect this post just in case consortium ordering ever came into effect."

The Acq. Team feel valued.

Professionals seeing the big picture

Fact one: The new library at Roadkill is empty and has been empty for a year. This is particularly embarassing politically and organisationally.

Fact two: Frog is organising some storytelling workshops for staff training. This is urgent as the inspectors told us to get this bit of the act together three years ago.

Fact three: We don't have many training spaces in any of our libraries and both libraries with space will be closed for repairs this winter.

Fact four: We struggle to make staff available for training because they're so thin on the ground. It is possible to do some workshops while two libraries are closed for repairs this winter.

Taking this into account, Frog decides that this would be a good time to organise these workshops and that the new Roadkill Library would be a good venue as there'll be plenty of space and it would show those who need to know that we are committed to the place, honestly, despite all the evidence to the contrary. He receives these complaints from Town Librarians:

1. Why are we doing this now? We don't have time to organise this. (Actually, he will be doing that)
2. Why have it there? It would be better at Helminthdale (which will be closed at the time; besides which every time we do use Helminthdale we get whinges from Catty Library that "everything's at Helminthdale.")
3. There won't be any books from the Storytime Collection at the new Roadkill Library. (There are at the current site, next door. And Frog is planning on taking a crate of books with him on the day.)
4. It would be better to have the workshop at Frog's desk, near the Storytime Collection he uses. (There's room for one slim person to stand by his desk.)

I despair. Do these people have no sense?

The immense potentiality of the unlicensed is dissipated in vapour

Much to my surprise I see Frog at his desk. It should be his day off.

"Hullo, old sport. Much as I appreciate your bluff goodfellow bonhomie at the work place should you be here?"

"Reading Game stats. If I don't get them done now they'll never get done and next week I'll be swamped with half-term."

I sympathise. If we were truly a performance-driven organisation, he'd be able to concentrate on getting the statistics done - these are a national performance indicator - and he'd leave the Town Librarians to fend with the half-term events.

As it is, if he even thought of it he'd get lynched.

Hand-reared, as they say in the Navy

Back from a meeting to find a post-it note on my screen:

"After discussions (complaints!!!) with several members of staff it was felt that the renewal loan period for educational videos should be the same as books. I have amended the loan rules accordingly.

Can you send out a new message to staff telling them about this.

Mary."

Local news

Seth's having a lark today and no mistake.

A year ago Henry Irving incurred the wrath of the Dutch Bend localhistoristas by suggesting that the bound copies of The Dutch Bend Bystander could be moved to the controlled environment stacks in Sheep City.

"This is the heritage of Dutch Bend and should stay in Dutch Bend!"

Instead they got dumped in the caretaker's room in Raccoonville Library.

The caretaker's room in Raccoonville Library is now destined to be the location for this season's must-have, so the Bystanders need to be moved. Seth is volunteered for the job of shifting one-hundred and sixty-eight volumes of bound broadsheet newspapers in the back of the van.

For once, they're not coming here. Not sure where they are going but I'm afraid to ask in case they turn and come my way. There's still a bit of space under my desk.

Life keeps poking me with its finger

Catty Library's going to be closed some time before the Second Coming for to have a top-to-toe refurb and a new floor and plaster on the wall and things. Preparations are afoot. I get a 'phone call from Verity at Carbootsale Library:

"Has anyone told you about the graphic novels being moved here when Catty closes?"

"Yes, and the Richard & Judies."

"How about... well, er..."

"What about...?"

"Has anyone told you about the PC that's being moved here?"

"No. Where's it going?"

"On the counter."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I think we'll have to get another plank of wood."

Hepplewhite's Directoire

Milton and I are discussing T.Aldous' plans for budging Frog and myself to pastures new to create a new management area outside his office.

"The problem is," I say, "that I'm supposed to be going into the same part of the floor that he's already earmarked for Frog to move to so that he's got space for the two new sofas."

"Two new sofas?"

"That's the plan: two sofas outside his office for informal meetings."

"I'll be decidedly fucked off if he buys two new sofas at the same time as I'm not allowed to buy new desks for the public workstations in the new Roadkill Library."

Bogs

Senebene's building works are a considerable success. Both new toilets are leaking already and the doorknob fell off one of the doors.