It's called "modern jazz" because the word "crap" was already taken

Like any other up-to-the-minute, go-ahead public organisation with its finger on the pulse of the technological revolution and grasping the nettle of e-government with an almost unbecoming gusto, Helminthdale Council has a staff intranet. Actually, it's had a staff intranet for nearly twelve years now. It's had a useful life of about two months, after which it was decided that it was far too important for staff or services to use and it has since fulfilled the much-needed role of megaphone for the sundry mayfly organisational improvement programmes that have delighted us over the years. Ambition To Achieve; Onward For Opportunity; Strive For Success; Value Through Service; say what you will, our corporate crapmeisters have always had a touch of the Goebbels about them.

The Bobbing Up And Down Team unveiled their version today. We are all suitably overwhelmed and as excited as schoolgirls at a Tommy Steele gig.

The tone is set immediately in the promotional email, which features an intrepid explorer furthering the reaches of man's knowledge and fortitude. We're pretty sure that it's Captain Robert Falcon Scott. The front page of the intranet features a large picture of some bloke jumping out of an aeroplane. Let's be honest now: you wouldn't trust any of Helminthdale Council's equipment to see you across the road, let alone out of an aeroplane. A potentially-productive morning is wasted as staff scour the rest of the site for pictures of lemmings or the Hindenberg.

Highlight of the whole business is The Input Zone: Your Council, Your Forum. Staff are invited to offer suggestions and comments on "what we can do to make this the best council you could be working for."

The Imput Zone went live at 0830. By noon it has been airbrushed from history, as if it had never happened.

Happy days.