They left when my dog got drunk

It is with great sadness that I hear that they've closed the jazz club next to Sheep City. Whilst not being up to much musically it featured in more divorce cases than any other building in town, including the Town Hall and the knocking shop on Creamery Lane. It's best remembered as being the best way of finding out who Shagger Noakes was jiggling about with lately. Famously, one night a certain lady, the worse for drink, staggered to her feet and addressed the crowd:

"I thought I'd best make it clear, for all of you who listen to gossip, that I am Shagger Noakes' mistress!"

There was an astonished hush, which was broken by a voice from the crowd:

"No you're not! I'm his mistress!"

"No! I am!"

"What's going on here? I thought I was!"

My informant laughed himself silly when he told me about it.

"Imagine 'Spartacus' in action slacks!"