She's been out all night frightening policemen

A customer has been into the library raising Cain and spitting feathers about the book she'd just read.

"Filth," she snapped at Norma. "Absolute filth. What have you got to say about it."

"Well.. The Library Service doesn't write the books, we only buy them."

"Fancy wasting the taxpayer's money on filth like that. Disgraceful. Who do I complain to about this."

"You're doing a very good job of complaining to me about it, but if you want you can fill in one of our customer feedback forms and I'll make sure it gets given to the right person for them to reply to you."

"Hmpf. Well. I suppose that's good enough."

"Can I help you with anything else?"

"Have you anything else by the same author?"

Lexicography

I usually complain that Library Staff don't have a good word for me. Not today. After discussing a particularly long-standing problem at Epiphany Library (so long-standing and tortuous a problem that neither I nor Thelma could remember or work out why the problem ever arose in the first place) she said to me:

"Well I've got a good word for you: Snafu."

I'll get her at playtime.

Basically, in a word, would you sell your house to a gorilla?

Seth's been mostly working by himself since Alwyn retired last month. He wants to be able to take some days off. He's not directly employed by us, he's part of the council's Land & Buildings Management Agency so he has to ask them to provide cover for his absence. And they generally say that nobody's available because half the staff were laid off a couple of years ago in one of the council's efficiency drives. (Being a council efficiency drive, the savings in staff salaries are more than offset by essential overtime payments and building project over-runs.)

Today he got a 'phone call. They had found somebody who could provide some cover.

"If you send that bloke here he'll be going home in a body bag," advised Seth.

"You don't want him, then?" asked the supervisor.

Changing rooms

There are times when Eileen baffles me. She is not unintelligent and can be quite industrious and has a good understanding of electronic information issues. She just isn't especially productive and is astonishingly conservative and set in her ways.

They're playing musical chairs up in the reference library at the moment, shifting all the shelving round and making some space for group learning. The most difficult parts of the process are the moving of the enquiry desk, so that it's actually easy for the customers to get to, and the daily newspapers (they've been told that they should let the customers read them).

Seth's scheduled to move the desk this morning, ready for the usual Friday afternoon rush (unless they're both watching the tennis).

"I'm just going to move your desk," he told Eileen.

"Right-o, I'll get out of your way then."

"Erm... Aren't you moving all the crap off the top of the desk first?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's all that scrap paper. And the newspapers you've put there this morning. And all them boxes you were supposed to be getting shut of last month. And why is there a pile of pencils?"

"Customers might ask for a pencil."

"Can you move it please?"

"I'm busy at the moment, can it wait a bit?"

"Busy doing what?"

"I've got to stamp these newspapers."

The bell started ringing to mourn for poor Bessie

Local councils all over the country are laying waste to front line services with swingeing cuts earnestly looking for efficiencies and Helminthdale should be no different. The fact that the last time good times rolled in Helminthdale was when the Prince of Wales was asking Victoria if she hadn't finished with that throne yet makes it a bit of a challenge.

So we are being Consulted For Ideas. This is, of course, part of the government's Big Idea for Big Society: we are all invited to suggest ideas for savings and then the government does what KPMG and Ernst & Young tell them to do. All frightfully democratic and that. [Pauses to wave flag, wipe eye with onion and shout "Ingerland!"]

Maisie's having a day off and Maudie's rushed off her feet servicing the Lyons Corner House that should be the upstairs reading room (the Education Department's Management Team have borrowed it for a meeting and somehow this requires Maudie to ply them with tea and biscuits ad lib.) I've been picking up a lot of their calls and it strikes me that there's a very simple saving we could and should be saving...

Nearly all the calls involve people asking me to leave messages for Maisie or Maudie to let them know that something's been done. The bloke's fixed the tiles on the roof at Windscape Library. The plumber's sucked his teeth at Catty Library. The van driver has delivered the box of stationery he delivers every Thursday to Umpty Library. These are all external telephone calls. All would have interrupted one or other of the girls while they were trying to concentrate on sorting out any one of a million problems that are created for them. And every single one of them would have been better done as an email for free to be dealt with as and when necessary.

Illuminated parchments

More madness from the council offices on Pottersbury Road. Just to put our loonies into perspective...

"Our first customer on Tuesday morning reported that a naked man pulling his piece was wandering around outside his house the evening before. The customer reported this to the police but no one came (except the naked man maybe?). Suffice to say the customer then continued to report that his neighbour awoke the next morning to discover the same man stretched across his 6 month old car stark naked with a light bulb in his mouth! The girl on the desk kept a perfectly straight face during all this except when she asked: "can you tell me when he was pulling his todger with the light bulb in his mouth…. Did it flash?"

"This is absolutely true. You couldn’t make it up could you?"

A lot of Eastern promise behind that faint tang of cocoa

One of 'those' corporate communications conversations...

In retrospect it may have been a bit strong to call the staff consultation process as tool of Stalinist oppression.

World Cup Willies

An edict from the Chief Executive. Staff are invited to watch the England match on Wednesday on a big screen in the Presentation Room of the Town Hall.

It's academic for those of us providing services to the public but it's still engendered some controversy, with the camps evenly matched. On the one hand are those who see it as a way of managing potential absenteeism, with the opportunity to foster a bit of team spirit as a happy by-product.

On the other are those who think that in times of swingeing "efficiencies" the signing-in book would be the draft copy of the roll call of Those Who Probably Wouldn't Be Missed.

Solstice

Ah well...

At least we know the heating still works in this building.

Got the T-shirt

A gem from the always-excellent "Not Always Right" site.

He liked anything he thought "progressive"

It's been a funny week.

Typified, perhaps, by my finding myself responding to a request for "efficiencies" by arguing for a Semantic Web Librarian.

A bit like the DVD extended edition

'Phone call from Eileen in the Reference Library.

"A gentleman wants to know if he can download some software so that he can run a programme on his USB stick."

"Has there been any time in the past decade where we've let customers download and run programmes on our PCs?"

"No...

...So what should I tell him."

"Sorry, no you can't?"

"OK."

I have this conversation with her once a fortnight.

Poetry woven into the general consciousness

More gems from our reference library. You'll need to bear in mind that:

(a) We are a small public library service somewhere in the North of England;
(b) We are not a research library;
(c) We are many miles from the sea; and
(d) This is the 21st Century.

So this is a selection of what we have proferred as being current and accurate information for the lay public. I include publication dates for further enlightenment.

2nd Report Of The Committee: A Comparison Of Transition Temperatures   1960
Determined By Small And Large Scale Tests On Five Steels
Brief History Of The National Gallery Of Scotland                      1961
Chance For Charities? Distributing The Proceeds Of The National        1993
Lottery To Charitable Organisations
Draft Agreement Between The Government Of The United Kingdom Of Great  1984
Britain And Northern Ireland And The Government Of The People'S
Republic Of China On The Future Of Hong Kong
Guide To Parliament And What Your Mp Does                              1997
Guide To The Loading And Unloading Of Fishing Vessels Regulations 1988 1988
Language For Life: The N.U.T'S Commentary On The Bullock Report        1976
National Minimum Wage: Report Of An Inter Departmental Working Party   1969
New Training Initiative: A Programme For Action                        1982
The Work And Organisation Of The Legal Profession                      1989
Tourism In The UK: Realising The Potential                             1992
Trade Unionism: A Basic Guide                                          1978
Training For Community Care: A Joint Approach                          1991
Bayonets: An Illustrated History And Reference Guide                   1968
British Lighthouses                                                    1947
Cameras Photographs And Accessories                                    1966
Conservative Manifesto 1979                                            1979
Going Into Hospital                                                    1988
How To Conduct An Election By The Single Transferable Vote             1976
Make The Difference: The Liberal Democrat Manifesto 1997               1997
Meeting The Challenge In Europe: Labour'S Manifesto For The European   1989
Elections 1989
New Directions: The Path To A Green Britain Now, General Election      1992
Campaign Manifesto 1992
Surveying: Instruments And Methods                                     1968
Future Shape Of Local Government Finance                               1971
National Blood Transfusion Service                                     1976
National Curriculum: A Survival Guide                                  1989
Nomenclature Of The Hominidae: Including A Definitive List Of Named    1965
Hominid Taxa

You come out humming the floodlights

Posy is a hard worker, has a kind heart and is boundlessly enthusiastic. But there are some days when she can do the full-on 100% 24-carat Calum Gilhooley and today is one of those days. And unfortunately, I didn't start off in the most patient frame of mind.

Salvation of a sort came to hand. Somebody said in a loud, firm voice:

"Look, can we stop now? For the past four and a half hours we have had nothing but how boring is the sound of vuvuzelas, that they're the instruments of Satan, that they sound cheap and nasty and how you're sick of the sound of vuvuzelas. Now can we put it back in the box and get on with some work please?"

I looked around the office to see who it was.

It was me.

Getting out just short

Helminthdale is on tenterhooks. Even before the announcement of Ooh, We Shall All Be In Pain Together the balance sheet wasn't looking any too healthy and those of us already scheduled for 12% pay cuts before the economy turned sour were detailed to have a look to see where wholesale panic-driven cuts could be made sensible efficiencies could be effected. It has all turned a bit more urgent now: there's a mad dash to get expenditure approved before the "Emergency" Budget and we've got to come up with explanations as to how cutting all the crusts off the sandwiches will make for a better economy. And of course none of it will affect front-line services adversely.

So Helminthdale shivers. The council and National Assistance are the borough's main economic drivers. If the spending power of council staff and the long-term unemployed is diminished God knows how the local private sector will survive.

Fun with hydrangeas

Not a good start to the week. Between the England match on Saturday; John Redwood's blathering on about replacing public library staff with volunteers; the latest Honours List (not so much as an OBE between us); the rain pouring in at Catty Library again; and half the staff being on diets this is not a happy ship.

No doubt we can look to our fearless leaders to provide a morale shift.

"Fecking hell," says Sybil.

It can happen to anyone and I know it will get worse

It's been a funny week...

I'll admit to engineering the meeting between Frog, Bronwyn, Maybelle and Nancy that came up with a set of proposals which we now know chime pretty well with something the council has decided that Library Policy & Strategic Management Team (this week) have to do.

And I encouraged the meeting between Posy and Henry that seems to have given Posy some useful ideas. And suggested a few questions some other people could ask in meetings. And helped a couple of people paint their managers into a corner so that they had to give a 'yes or no' answer to the question: "are we doing this?" And asked a couple of innocent questions that will have repercussions in about six months' time.

It was Frog's idea to drag Bronwyn and Posy out to the Monkey's for lunch. Bronwyn was a bit stressed after trying to sort something out with the reference library and a different aspect of the same something with Jack Harry (essentially, putting her foot down and telling two people over whom she has no authority that neither of them is getting their own way, without using the words "lazy," "idiotic," "hidebound" or "pillock," for which she has my utmost respect). It was a good idea: over lunch Bronwyn solved the Doreen Problem for them. I had to laugh: most of our service development and project planning is done over lunch at the Monkey's.

Library Policy & Strategic Management Team (this week) thanked me for not shouting at them in a meeting on Wednesday. I thanked them for not giving me anything to get cross about.

As Maybelle and I were talking our way around another set of problems somebody had created for her and Bronwyn I stopped in mid-sentence.

"Who died and made me God?" I asked.

"You worry about that far too much you know," she replied.

Perhaps I do.

It all fits, if you see what I mean

Maybelle's pissed off. Frog and I are naturally concerned so we force her to have some chocolate biscuits. One of her projects has stalled. It's a piece of work she's supposed to be doing; the Library Service wants her to do; the partner agency supplying the funding wants her to do it; she wants to do it; and the people she's working with want to do it.

It just needs rubber-stamping by the someone in authority in the Library Service.

Frog and I give her permission to carry on. If there's any sulking from on high about it someone can talk to us about it.

"Can you do that?" asks Maybelle.

"We've been told to take more responsibility," we reply as one.

Balls

Staff World Cup Sweepstake. We all have to take part.

I didn't know the Vichy Republic was still affiliated to FIFA.

Primitive man at his breakfast

I'm so glad this was sombody else...

Stand up row in doorway involving somebody paid quite a lot and an underling.

"You just bear in mind: I'm in charge here, not you!"

"I'm glad you told me. I hate secrets."