Leader emulation

A couple of people are pissed off about the seminar facilitator passing on attributable comments to Policy Team without giving participants the chance to challenge the notes:

"It's disgraceful. Nobody will say anything in the next one. Not if it'll be snitched to Policy Team."

"Anything you say will be taken out of context and used against you."

"We'll all be sitting there saying nothing."

"Some bloody leadership training that'll be. We'll all be anal and uncommunicative about it."

"Just like..."

Should have gone to Specsavers

Betty's struggling with her screen today. I've noticed it a few times lately. On top of this she asks me if I can do something about the invoice receipt settings as the font seems to be getting smaller and fuzzier. Taking this not-remotely-subtle hint, I ask her when she last had an eye test.

Well, what a mistake!

Ten minutes later I'd been told repeatedly that she didn't need an eye test; that her mother was 87 when she died and had perfect eyesight; that they just try and sell you glasses; and that she didn't need an eye test.

I mention this to Noreen.

"Tell me about it. I've been having that conversation with her for the past eighteen months. She won't have it that she should have an eye test. She's waiting until she's sixty so that she can get a free one. I keep telling her that the council will pay for one, but she won't have it. I wouldn't mind if she didn't keep going on about it."

Dog mah cats

I don't have the patience I used to have.

We've all received workplace questionnaires from the Narkover Institute of Management Studies. It's part of a survey that goes to inform the government's view of each council's improvement programme (every council in the country is required to have one and to demonstrate ongoing progress).

Salome's gone off on one about it:

"I don't see why I should do this. We did a staff survey just the other week." [last month]

"That was just the Helminthdale Council one. This one's different."

"Well, I don't see why I should do this one."

"It's more important because it goes into the government's appraisal of the council's improvement. Or not."

"Well, it doesn't say that in here. It's got nothing to do with the government. It's the University of Narkover."

"Don't fucking believe me then," I replied, turning on my heel.

Lucky bag

Frog's back from a SureStart meeting, bearing gifts: his sample Summer Activity Pack includes a mousemat and pen.

Mary is distraught:

"I had a meeting with them last week. Where's my mousemat and pen?"

Dead men don't need season tickets

A day's productive work down the drain and a lot of catching-up to do. And why? Because a facilitator sent the notes of a workshop to the participants' managers rather than to the participants. Leaving aside the trust issues I have to ask why on earth the managers didn't just read the document, note the contents and resolve to check up on the issues once the workshops have been completed, instead of rushing about like scorched chickens asking people what they meant by saying that communication is poor.

Actually, I don't have to ask at all.

Will the last person to leave the country please clean the teaspoons

T.Aldous, at wearisome length, has given me his views on the staff seminar business and his disappointment that what he hoped would be a staff development programme seems to be concentrating on specifics rather than principles (give the man his due, it all sounds dead right).

I gave my view as much spin as I could and he's gone away happy that I completely agree with him. Not that I do, but he's decided I do.

A pox on all of them, I say.

The anger of men with no opinions

For reasons that escape me, the facilitator for last week's staff seminar has sent the seminar worknotes to Policy Team and copied me in with a request for me to circulate them to the seminar group.

Thus it is that Policy Team has spent the past day crawling though the notes and contacting the people who have said things they don't agree with to say that they don't agree with them. When they haven't been saying that they can't understand why people say that communication and trust are issues of concern.

And so it is that I've spent the past day telling Policy Team that these are notes of a work just beginning in progress and that the next step in the seminar programme will probably involve exploring and perhaps challenging some of perceptions held by the participants. And that the practical issues flagged up as "things to do" are examples that have been flagged up so that they can explore the management processes involved in prioritising work, evaluating processes, etc.

And all the time I'm wondering why the fuck I'm the one doing this.

Adventures in office layout projects

I'm never sure whether our organisational drama is Harold Pinter or N.F. Simpson.

"Have they plugged in the telephones in their new office yet?" asks Bronwyn.

"I can't bear to look to find out," I admit. "At least two work because I took calls on them yesterday when I was talking to Milton."

"Is that dustbin still in the middle of the room?"

"Oh yes."

"It does look better."

"It does look better."

"Even with the dustbin."

The voice of God

Telephone call:

"Hello. Can I speak to Moseigneur Eddie Gravy?"

"I'm sorry, he retired quite some time ago."

"He can't have: he was preaching just last Sunday."

"Not at this library he wasn't."

Tears of salt

Another Zen moment in Helminthdale Libraries.

Tilly Floss popped in to say hello to her old workmates. T.Aldous greeted her with:

"So you would recommend retirement would you?"

Cue the sound of a dozen people thinking: "YES!!!!"

Up to my arse in Barry Norman's pickled onions

Frog's having a go at setting up this year's Summer Reading Challenge, "Team Read." For some reason the materials provided this year are a bit subfusc, tending to olive greens, old golds and faded chintz pinks.

For our overseas visitors: the Summer Reading Challenge is organised by the Reading Agency and aims to encourage children's reading through the summer holidays. Which is a laudable aim and works quite well in practice. Participation in the Challenge is voluntary, so if money's tight we don't have to buy in all the necessary materiel. Unfortunately, completion of the Challenge is two of the national performance indicators (boys and girls). Voluntary, like.

There isn't room to swing an amoeba at Frog's desk so he decided it would be a good idea to use one of the unoccupied desks by the window to sort out the stuff. Mary provided a counter-suggestion:

"There's a spare desk in Kevin's office, you should use that."

Frog, to his credit, demurred, saying that he knew I was in the middle of a difficult problem sorting out some problems with the stock invoicing system. In reality, we both know that this is the start of Mary's campaign to have my office turned into a "sorting-out room." Bollocks to that: I don't mind moving out to create a private personnel interview room. I do mind moving out to create a new shit cupboard.

The Reading Agency, sponsored by Acme Storage Ltd.

The Reading Agency and their ilk have a lot to answer for. In his "spare time" Frog's juggling a few dozen projects all with the same aim: providing books for primary school children. Which is great, and which is something we've been supporting for decades without having to buy set quantities of set books in the last two weeks of the financial year and passing the invoices when the financial systems are in fiscal year lockdown. And without having to spend time writing reports on the delivery to each Key Stage year group. Or having to remember the names, websites and passwords for half a dozen separate projects. All doing the same thing.

The Acq. Team have just negotiated their way through the forty-odd boxes of Book Off books for nine-year-olds and are now grimly looking forward to ploughing their way through the thirty-odd boxes of Book You books for seven-year-olds piled up precariously in a corner of the room because there's no room left in the fire exit corridor.

Missing a point

Attending the staff meeting at Dutch Bend Library I was asked if I could change the settings on the circulation system so that they could reserve lost books. Just in case they turn up again some time. I made the obvious arguments:

• That would do wonders for our reservation (hold) fill time performance figures.
• What happens if the lost book doesn't turn up?
• We underspend our bookfund by lots and lots of money, so why not order a new copy and reserve that?

So they asked me why I wouldn't do it then.

I'm not marching to the same tune as this library service.

Does anybody want to see a tiny hedgehog?

Good news! The gentleman that keeps looking at porn on the PCs in the children's library won't be gracing our doors for quite some time. This will come as a huge relief to staff who keep having to keep an eye on him and keep having to abruptly terminate his computer sessions ("The filtering software seems to have closed the session down. We'll have to investigate this to see why it keeps doing it to you. What site were you on at the time, sir?")

We've been trying to ban him from using the PCs for years but T.Aldous requires degrees of forensic proof of delinquency that would defeat Batman. Fortunately, the shopping centre is private premises and it has banned him from the building after finding him indulging in inappropriate degrees of attentiveness in the public toilets by the coffee shop. Good job he chose those bogs to go-a-cruising rather than ours otherwise we'd still be servicing the bugger.

A verandah over the toyshop

The librarians based at Catty Library are complaining that there aren't any plans for the layout of the building for when it re-opens some time before Xmas. I sympathise but can't resist asking:

"Have you put together any draft ideas yourselves?"

"No, nobody's asked us."

I'm sorely tempted to draft a plan and submit it to Policy Team myself.

Worth more than a thousand treesThough blossomed with silver

Milton, for some reason, has decided to try and enumerate T.Aldous' many splendours. I'll go along with it up to a point: the man is only promoted above his competence, he's not entirely stupid. There comes a point where even I will draw a line...

"He's fantastically good at making the connections between the Library Service and things going on elsewhere in the council."

"Yes..."

"Yes. He'll find out that something's going on in the Youth Service, say, and he'll be able to see that it's something we should be getting involved in."

Back in the old days I used to do corporate information work for the council and its Policy Support Officers, so I have some views on the matter.

"All these connections... Have any of them delivered any service developments?"

"No..."

"Have they delivered any project outcomes?"

"No..."

"Have we acquired a reputation for picking up an idea, running with it and delivering the goods and a bit more?"

"Jesus, you are a cynical old bastard."

It's bleeding Chico time

As part of our rudimentary staff development programme Jim has arranged a staff seminar for Assistant Librarians and Counter Supervisors over in Spadespit Community Centre. The arrangement was that he'd nip over at lunchtime to see how things were going and make sure that there wasn't anything missing, like flipchart paper or magic markers.

Imagine the staff's delight when the whole of Policy Team gatecrashes the seminar unannounced.

Only the most jaded churl would imagine that this was anything other than a show of high-level support and encouragement.

Opinion is divided evenly between:

• They don't trust us to behave ourselves without supervision.
• They don't trust Jim to behave himself without supervision.
• They fancied a free lunch.

The opportunity for adding value to the event isn't wasted. Mary tells Kate:

"Ellie's off sick, so somebody needs to be sent over to Umpty to cover there tomorrow."

Excused boots

Where else but Helminthdale would they give you a laptop that's been so nailed down that it can only be used when it's plugged into the corporate network.

This is what we get for £5,000 per laptop, including compulsory five-year very-expensive corporate maintenance fee.

Slack-jawed in amazement

T.Aldous has splendid news:

"We should have a booksale for this bank holiday weekend."

Bag

Seth is disinterring part of the management suite hinterland. He pops into my office with an old Marks & Sparks carrier bag.

"Guess what's in here..."

"I couldn't bear to guess."

Two dozen teaspoons.