Alternatively...

I discover that I can get onto our web catalogue on the corporate network after all. It only involves hacking into the server from the intranet and then entering the IP address to get onto the site.

The software supplier agrees with my diagnosis:

"They do like passing the buck, don't they? They've been fiddling with the network again."

"Can you have a chat with them again? They don't believe me."

"Will do."

I'm now debating whether or not to put the instructions for connection on the intranet...

I've run out of headlines with box puns in them

"What are all these boxes?" I ask Seth as a new load of battered baked bean cartons are piled up against Frog's bookshelves.

"Stuff from Noddy that didn't go to the new library," says Seth with ill-disguised disgust.

"Why's it come here?"

"Why does anything come here?"

It turns out that T.Aldous has decided that this stock's got to come here for transfer or withdrawal by one of the branch librarians at Helminthdale. Despite the fact that that half of the borough's got more branch librarians, including one who's directly responsible for Noddy Library.

Bronwyn is not a happy bunny as she has been volunteered for the work as she's only preparing for the Big Wild Read, a programme of reading group events and covering for the reference librarians who are on leave.

"When I was at Milbeck when it was closing for two years while we put in a new floor, walls and ceiling I had to do all the withdrawals and transfers myself. There was no 'oh just send all your shit to Helminthdale for them to sort out' then, oh no."

The situation's made worse when Doreen warns Bronwyn that T.Aldous expects it to be cleared by the time he's back from leave so that Frog can be shifted into that area to make the way clear for a couple of settees to be placed outside T.Aldous' office for to make a waiting room.

I thought I had a wide vocabulary of invective and profane language but evidently I'm a rank amateur.

Oozing through cavities of unrestrained passion

A romantic novel is sent back to the Acq. Team from Windscape:

"I think this has been sent in error. It seems to be a work of erotic fiction."

I suppose the clue was in the blurb on the front cover: "Erotic Fiction for Lovers."

We have a scout round to see what's happening to the other copies. The copy at Helminthdale has been confiscated and put into the Group Librarian's office (it's still on the shelves on the catalogue I notice) while Benzedrine Drive's copy has been issued three times (mind you, they've got an active Art Group, nuff said).

Glancing through it I find that the sex scenes are a lot milder than those described in some of Alan Titchmarsh's books. Must be the pullovers.

Connections

As of ten minutes ago we can no longer get access to the web catalogue on staff PCs. It works fine from the public PCs and my colleague in Pardendale can get on it OK. Obviously someone's been monkeying around with network settings again. I log a call with IT.

"It's an application fault."

"We've been using it for years without incident; why would it be an application fault?"

"You'll have to contact the software supplier. They'll have changed something last time they were on the server."

"They're not allowed on ther server. Come to that, neither am I."

"I'm sorry, it can only be an application fault."

"If it's an application fault how come it only doesn't work on our corporate network?"

"Sorry, you'll have to contact the supplier."

Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart

Popping into Dutch Bend I notice that Daisy and Mimsie are in one of "those" moods. For people who claim not to be in middle age yet they do a very good impression of Cissie and Ada when the mood takes them. Invariably this means that they're planning on doing some matchmaking for some poor devil. I've no idea who's in their sights this time: it could be anyone, staff or public. My God, I hope it's not my turn again, life's full of shit as it is.

Can't be wrong all the time

I appear to have established a reputation for fatalism:

Kevin was walking into work when he spotted a banana skin on the pavement fifty yards up the road.

"Oh bugger," he said, "here we go again."

What about them? Now — they're not!

Good news: T.Aldous is now on holiday.

Good-ish news: Mary is also on holiday.

Good news: In the absence of obsessive micromanagers we should be able to get something done.

Bad news: Nobody else is allowed to sign orders, invoice payment slips, contract workers' time sheets or building repair requisition dockets.

So that's fine then.

All the refuse lying hereHas no life to give it cheer

I'm doing yet another bit of the catalogue maintenance that apparently isn't necessary to have anyone doing because catalogues maintain themselves and we'll soon be moving to MARC21 anyway, which transformation happens by magic and won't involve any specialised work. I've mentioned before that I don't understand some librarians' attitude to cataloguing: I can understand them not wanting to do it themselves but the utter neglect that's apparent in some organisations' catalogues is breathtaking. We'll soon be joining their ranks. Management Group can deal with all the complaints about people not being able to find anything, they're the ones who've deleted the stock manager/catalogue post without telling anyone.

This time it's authority maintenance: I'm tidying out all the blind authorities in the subject index. It's an object lesson in the transience of fame: out go Peter Butterworth, Neville Chamberlain, Eamonn Andrews, Paul Merton and Danny Kaye. Disconcertingly, it becomes apparent that we no longer have any stock on Babylonia, Carthage, cervical cancer, the Channel Islands or metaphysics.

Unwrappings

We unwrap the mummy in the corridor. What a let-down. After removing about twenty yards of bubble wrap it turns out to be the most boring island shelving unit I've ever seen: two vertical aluminum poles with six open-ended aluminium slat shelves.

And some irresponsible craziesMeander around there at will

Someone from SureStart is talking to Lola:

"We'll be starting under-fives' story time at Windscape next week."

"Err... Can I just check with the staff there to make sure they know about it and we've got the arrangements sorted."

"Oh we agreed it at the friends' group AGM meeting the other week."

"Well they still might not know about it..."

"T.Aldous was there and said it was OK."

So the staff at Windscape don't know about it, Lola the librarian responsible for Windscape doesn't know about it and Doreen the Group Librarian doesn't know about it. It also comes as a surprise to Frog, but he's only responsible for children's library services so it's nothing to do with him. But Himself does, so that's alright then.

Useless

There I am with an audience in front of me waiting to be delighted with a demo of some online magic when I find that I can't log onto the PC, which tells me my PC account is disabled. I ring the helpdesk: they can't fathom why either.

An hour later it turns out that it isn't my account that's disabled, it's the PC. Apparently some of our friends in IT have decided that if a PC hasn't been used for a few weeks they'll disable it on the network. But not bother telling anyone.

C**ts.

Teamwork

Milton's arranged for Lola to join us for a day-long meeting about online services. In part this is because one day when I was away someody rang up and asked who was representing the Library Service in a corporate e-Implementation Meeting, T.Aldous and Mary panicked, saw Lola and volunteered her for the job. In part it's because Milton and I have been doing this type of thing for too long and need a fresh pair of eyes to cut through all the natural assumptions.

Mary is not happy that Lola's doing this so she's told Milton that she's got to pay for her day's work out of one of his budgets. Considering that we're all paid out of one service-wide staffing budget and that I seem to spend half my working life doing work for parts of Mary's empire this is a little cheeky.

Any similarity between Management Group and a working team is purely coincidental.

Nomdy Gurr

Lippy's taken the name of McMoo, probably preparatory to being adopted into the clan so yclept, though it might be a numerology thing (with Hettie having been and gone we've lost the expertise in that area). We're not sure how official this is so I'm not having her name changed on her PC account. Apparently the tartan is grey, plum and grey and a Marigold glove is carried in lieu of a sporran. I'm not sure what the nursing homes think when she turns up like this.

Nuts

Apparently there's no truth in the rumour that Beryl puts peanuts in the foyer of Senebene Library so that the squirrels' jumping in and out pumps up the visitor figures.

A shame, really, that would have been a positive to put into our Improvement Implementation Report.

And they frequently talk to a stranger

Overheard:

"I see your secondment's been extended to January."

"Has it? That's the first I know about it."

"Well, I've just filed copies of the extension form that T.Aldous sent to Human Resources last week."

Customer care

I get a 'phone call from Roadkill Library:

"What does it mean when the system says that money's got to be refunded to a borrower?"

"It means that we took them some money off them and now we have to give it back."

"That's a bit of a pain. Is it OK if I just leave it as it is so that it can pay off his future overdues."

How Useful Redux

Human Resources have rung Daisy to ask why she hasn't sent written feedback to one of the candidates for one of the Relief Assistant posts. Bit cheeky really as she only got the request yesterday and she then found out that HR have lost the recruitment paperwork!

And they sometimes escape, it is true

Hettie Mistletoe's last day. I take the opportunity to nip round to have one last look at her legs.

"Aren't you having a leaving do?" I ask.

"What? And have T.Aldous insist on giving a speech before giving me my leaving present?"

Oh dear

Oh hell. It turns out that Lemuel has had three heart attacks. He was rushed in for emergency surgery yesterday and he's had to have angioplasty. Seth breaks the news to everyone, most of whom are suitably shocked. I can't imagine that all the hassle with all the sequences of pass the parcel has done him any good.

Needless to say, despite the fact that we've got a couple of months' worth of shifting and lumbering crap about the Borough; a whole heap of early summer events for kids; and another Big Book Sale up in the library next month Seth's going to be working single-handed. Let's hope the usual suspect has the tact not to piss him about so much as usual or we'll have someone else in Accident and Emergency.

How useful

Bad news for Daisy at Dutch Bend: whenever we interview candidates for jobs we have to fill in a Recruitment Scoring Matrix for each candidate, marking against the person specification and interview questions, and submit this to Human Resources so that it's on file in the event of query.

Daisy's chaired the last lot of interviews for Relief Assistants and one of them has asked for written feedback. Daisy got in touch with HR for a copy of the Matrix. Only to find that they've lost it.