"Filth," she snapped at Norma. "Absolute filth. What have you got to say about it.""Well.. The Library Service doesn't write the books, we only buy them.""Fancy wasting the taxpayer's money on filth like that. Disgraceful. Who do I complain to about this.""You're doing a very good job of complaining to me about it, but if you want you can fill in one of our customer feedback forms and I'll make sure it gets given to the right person for them to reply to you.""Hmpf. Well. I suppose that's good enough.""Can I help you with anything else?""Have you anything else by the same author?"
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
"Well I've got a good word for you: Snafu."
"If you send that bloke here he'll be going home in a body bag," advised Seth."You don't want him, then?" asked the supervisor.
Friday, June 25, 2010
"I'm just going to move your desk," he told Eileen."Right-o, I'll get out of your way then.""Erm... Aren't you moving all the crap off the top of the desk first?""What do you mean?""Well, there's all that scrap paper. And the newspapers you've put there this morning. And all them boxes you were supposed to be getting shut of last month. And why is there a pile of pencils?""Customers might ask for a pencil.""Can you move it please?""I'm busy at the moment, can it wait a bit?""Busy doing what?""I've got to stamp these newspapers."
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"Our first customer on Tuesday morning reported that a naked man pulling his piece was wandering around outside his house the evening before. The customer reported this to the police but no one came (except the naked man maybe?). Suffice to say the customer then continued to report that his neighbour awoke the next morning to discover the same man stretched across his 6 month old car stark naked with a light bulb in his mouth! The girl on the desk kept a perfectly straight face during all this except when she asked: "can you tell me when he was pulling his todger with the light bulb in his mouth…. Did it flash?"
"This is absolutely true. You couldn’t make it up could you?"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"A gentleman wants to know if he can download some software so that he can run a programme on his USB stick.""Has there been any time in the past decade where we've let customers download and run programmes on our PCs?""No......So what should I tell him.""Sorry, no you can't?""OK."
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
(a) We are a small public library service somewhere in the North of England;
(b) We are not a research library;
(c) We are many miles from the sea; and
(d) This is the 21st Century.
So this is a selection of what we have proferred as being current and accurate information for the lay public. I include publication dates for further enlightenment.
2nd Report Of The Committee: A Comparison Of Transition Temperatures 1960
Determined By Small And Large Scale Tests On Five Steels
Brief History Of The National Gallery Of Scotland 1961
Chance For Charities? Distributing The Proceeds Of The National 1993
Lottery To Charitable Organisations
Draft Agreement Between The Government Of The United Kingdom Of Great 1984
Britain And Northern Ireland And The Government Of The People'S
Republic Of China On The Future Of Hong Kong
Guide To Parliament And What Your Mp Does 1997
Guide To The Loading And Unloading Of Fishing Vessels Regulations 1988 1988
Language For Life: The N.U.T'S Commentary On The Bullock Report 1976
National Minimum Wage: Report Of An Inter Departmental Working Party 1969
New Training Initiative: A Programme For Action 1982
The Work And Organisation Of The Legal Profession 1989
Tourism In The UK: Realising The Potential 1992
Trade Unionism: A Basic Guide 1978
Training For Community Care: A Joint Approach 1991
Bayonets: An Illustrated History And Reference Guide 1968
British Lighthouses 1947
Cameras Photographs And Accessories 1966
Conservative Manifesto 1979 1979
Going Into Hospital 1988
How To Conduct An Election By The Single Transferable Vote 1976
Make The Difference: The Liberal Democrat Manifesto 1997 1997
Meeting The Challenge In Europe: Labour'S Manifesto For The European 1989
New Directions: The Path To A Green Britain Now, General Election 1992
Campaign Manifesto 1992
Surveying: Instruments And Methods 1968
Future Shape Of Local Government Finance 1971
National Blood Transfusion Service 1976
National Curriculum: A Survival Guide 1989
Nomenclature Of The Hominidae: Including A Definitive List Of Named 1965
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"Look, can we stop now? For the past four and a half hours we have had nothing but how boring is the sound of vuvuzelas, that they're the instruments of Satan, that they sound cheap and nasty and how you're sick of the sound of vuvuzelas. Now can we put it back in the box and get on with some work please?"
Monday, June 14, 2010
No doubt we can look to our fearless leaders to provide a morale shift.
"Fecking hell," says Sybil.
Friday, June 11, 2010
It's been a funny week...
I'll admit to engineering the meeting between Frog, Bronwyn, Maybelle and Nancy that came up with a set of proposals which we now know chime pretty well with something the council has decided that Library Policy & Strategic Management Team (this week) have to do.
And I encouraged the meeting between Posy and Henry that seems to have given Posy some useful ideas. And suggested a few questions some other people could ask in meetings. And helped a couple of people paint their managers into a corner so that they had to give a 'yes or no' answer to the question: "are we doing this?" And asked a couple of innocent questions that will have repercussions in about six months' time.
It was Frog's idea to drag Bronwyn and Posy out to the Monkey's for lunch. Bronwyn was a bit stressed after trying to sort something out with the reference library and a different aspect of the same something with Jack Harry (essentially, putting her foot down and telling two people over whom she has no authority that neither of them is getting their own way, without using the words "lazy," "idiotic," "hidebound" or "pillock," for which she has my utmost respect). It was a good idea: over lunch Bronwyn solved the Doreen Problem for them. I had to laugh: most of our service development and project planning is done over lunch at the Monkey's.
Library Policy & Strategic Management Team (this week) thanked me for not shouting at them in a meeting on Wednesday. I thanked them for not giving me anything to get cross about.
As Maybelle and I were talking our way around another set of problems somebody had created for her and Bronwyn I stopped in mid-sentence.
"Who died and made me God?" I asked.
"You worry about that far too much you know," she replied.
Perhaps I do.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
"Can you do that?" asks Maybelle."We've been told to take more responsibility," we reply as one.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Stand up row in doorway involving somebody paid quite a lot and an underling.
"You just bear in mind: I'm in charge here, not you!"
"I'm glad you told me. I hate secrets."
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
"I can't box them up," said Mimsie, "I'm too busy. You'll have to ask Annie."
"Next time, I'll remember to take my own fucking boxes," muttered Henry.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Sunday, June 06, 2010
"I saw T.Aldous in the Spanners' Arms last night. I made him spill his drink.""How?""I told him you wished he was still in charge in the library!"
Saturday, June 05, 2010
"I've been heartily amused by a staff consultation exercise our council's got on the go at the moment. We're in the midst of a whole-council cross-departmental cuts and efficiencies review. It reported to Council last week for decision, as yet unknown. This is the point at which they launch the staff consultation exercise."'What efficiencies do you think the council could achieve?" it asks. And gives you 100 characters' space in which to respond."Best yet: throughout the survey it was at pains to say that it was an anonymous staff survey. The final questions? Your date of birth, your gender and the section you work for!"
"Our mobile library driver's off sick this week and we've got a relief driver. I had to accompany him on the van. 'Oh good, I've got a dolly bird!" he said, cheeky sod. Just after lunchtime we had a bit of an accident."'I think I've clipped that car's wing mirror,' he said."I got out and had a look. Clipped? He'd annihilated it. And the front bumper and front panel. And caved the offside door in. Bloody hell! After ringing in to report the accident I was told we should take the van back to the depot to make sure it was OK."'When was the accident?' asked the fleet manager."'We crashed into the car at 1.45, we knocked over the railings at 2.05 and we knocked over all those dustbins at quarter past two,' I told him."'By gum, you're efficient!' said the driver."It's not my turn with him tomorrow, thank God!"
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
"Here, you have a go, I can't make head nor tail of it.""Well," protested Seth, "if you can't make head nor tail of it what makes you think I'll do any better.""I'm the heating engineer, I've no idea how your air-con plant works."
"I'm getting a message from the other side. Does the name 'Agatha Christie' mean anything to anybody? Ooh... Ooh... I'm getting in touch with my familiar...""You do that dearie. We'll sit here and eat your biscuits.""I'm getting something very firm now... [Do you get the impression that somebody besides me has all the episodes of 'Round The Horne' on CD?] I've pierced the veil... Oh, it's a message from our fearless leaders.""Ooh! What do they say?""They say... they say... 'I was on leave that week.'"